“I remember the back bedroom door was at a 45 degree angle to the hallway. As you went in the closet was to the left and the toy box for my brother and I was on the right hand side of the closet and was wood with a teddy bear painted on it. I was 20 months old when my parents moved out of that house.”

“I use to drive across Arizona with my father. He ran power lines across the state, back when Phoenix wasn’t so big and full of snow birds. I use to sit in the truck and look at the desert. Saw lots of this state.”

“We lived on irrigated acreage and in a rural area of what is now is the western metropolitan area. Farm fields, ditches, canals and even a desert lake. We rode Minibikes and motorbikes in the desert, explored old mines shafts, played dirt lot sports. Your parents did not worry where you were as long as you came home for dinner. Now parents can t let their children out of there sites for a second without something going wrong.”

“I met my first partner in the Nutowne Saloon which is still in business today. We hit it off good talked all night after the bar closed, then I went home. He called me over a few days later and we made sparks fly. It lasted 21 years.”

“ I didn't really know that many people in high school. I was a loner. Somehow, I got tied to taking a volleyball player to prom. I remember being so consumed with anxiety, constantly wanting to fit in with my generation and keeping my sexuality a secret. During prom--it was in a hotel on the beach of Santa Barbara--I remember having an epiphany, I would never see most of these people again and figured, 'fuck it,' and I went to that dance floor and just tuned everybody out (including my date) and danced.”

“I guess letting go, my peers started to notice me, my freedom and no inhibitions, and more people started to dance on the dance floor. I remember, towards the end of the night, leading a dance train, laughing with my graduating class--all mostly strangers up until that night. Those strangers starting asking who I was, or if I was in their Geometry class or English, complimenting me on my moves. I also remember my prom date. She wasn't happy. She didn't like dancing and I had left her alone at the table. I tried to convince her to frolic with me. She claimed two left feet.”

“Stop caring what they think about you. They are all just as lost as you.”

Three years out of high school, she and I went on a date. We were engaged after 8 weeks of dating. Remained married for 38 years.   I truly did not get married to hide. I fell in love with a warm, caring, understanding person. 

I never ever fell out of love for my wife. What changed was me. Looking on the internet for answers to my questions. Are my thoughts normal for a man? Are my thoughts sinful? Are my desires and thoughts making me gay? Was I born gay? Who Am I?  At this point I had been hiding for 40 years. I got very accustom to acting and playing the tough, strong, hairy, husband and dad. I began to contact other married men that desired men. Many men wanted to talk me through what was happening to me. They helped so much. But I had to know if the physical contact with another man was truly something I needed.  It was.

I began to drink way too much once I realized my desires were this strong. Clay is gay.  What do I say…to who…how do I talk about it?  I ended up in the hospital for alcohol. After just a week, the doctors told me there was more going on that just the liking to drink.  I broke down. Could not hide anymore. I told my story to the therapists.  But at this point, my wife and family knew nothing. That night I call my wife and told her everything. She was not believing me. She really thought I had a girlfriend on the side.  The hospital would not allow you to have a cell phones. So to prove to my wife what I was saying, I asked her to charge it and look at the past year of activity. 

The hospital group sessions were great. Much support. I sat with these people for two weeks before they knew anything.  My wife came to see me the day after she looked through my phone. I could not look at her. She was crying, I was crying.

She was upset that I had lied about my locations for over a year, but she was most upset that I had not lived the life I needed to for so many years. She was sad for me. She brought my daughter the next day. She also was saddened that I had never lived a life that was true to me.   After being in the hospital for 52 days, I returned home to find that my wife had divorce paperwork ready to be signed. She stated I need to move forward with my true self. She was sad, but very supportive.

We told everyone the truth. People would accept or not. Even my 92 year old mother.  I lost one person.  One brother in law.

Do I still cry about screwing up my now ex-wife dreams and plans ----YES!  But her honesty with me, and the unexpected support has been wonderful.

Divorce was final, the house of both her and I had sold, we were separating bills and bank accounts. As I expected, I started crying…hard uncontrollable.  She took me by my shoulders, looked straight into my eyes “ CLAY!!!  Go be gay “  

Not many people care for this much ink, but it’s mine. No one else has it and no one can take it or my memories away.